Experiment: Vulnerability
by Minuit Chanson17
Summary: I couldn't feel anymore, I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't even comprehend the situation I was in; there was no desire in me, and no drive. I don't even know if sitting here was something I wanted to do. I was just...empty. ...I just hate it. I hate this human emotion known as vulnerability.


Been quite awhile since I've written something, but since I've been into Steins;Gate for awhile now, here's some Okabe and Kurisu feels.

This takes place about a year after the events of the series (and about half a year or so after the OVA). Just to clear that up to avoid confusion.

And with that, I don't own anything from Steins;Gate. Because, well, it's all in the choice of Steins;Gate.

* * *

_"Your own existence...will be erased!"_

...It hurt. No matter what I did to cease it, the words of my father kept stinging. And with each sting, my heart hardens more and more, slowly dying, and lessening the emotions I once had.

I'm so tired. I'm suddenly so exhausted of trying, crying, and covering my emotions everyday. I can't stand to live in this state any longer; how much more do I have to keep striving to be of self-worth? To be cared enough that someone would actually care? To actually be loved by at least one person, enough so that they would even slightly miss me if I'm dead?

...Okabe should have never saved me at Radio Kaikan last year.

_Bzzt bzzt._

The sound of my phone vibrating next to me causes me to open my eyes. How long have I been in bed? Looking at my phone, it was 13:15; much too late for me to be in bed. But...my body suddenly feels so heavy, unmotivated...

_Bzzt bzzt._

Another text message alerts my phone, and I decide that I should at least look at it. No one would really text me, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to check.

_"Where are you? A lab isn't complete without its assistant, you know."_

...oh. It's him. I forgot that I had said the other day that I would be able to come by since I'm finally done with some extra back work I had to send back to America; it's been about almost a week since I've been at the lab...not that anyone would care anyway.

I sigh, and click my phone to see the next message.

_"Seriously, though...are you okay? I know you've been busy with work, but a nice update would be good every now and then. Even Daru is worried, and that's saying something (not in a perverted way, mind you)._

_But you know that you can tell me anything, right? You're...my dearest companion, anyhow."_

Sigh.

I really wasn't in the mood for his little concern party, and neither was I in the mood to let it sink in. But I couldn't help but feel a drop in my gut, telling me that that last sentence meant a lot more than I allowed myself to accept. It's been 9 months since that...interesting conversation we had back when he and the others visited America, and sure, the others know, but, what the hell do you do in...a relatio-

My face tensed into an angry and disgusted expression. I'll take on eating jelly-bananas before saying that word aloud. I don't care how accurate it was to describe us.

I sit up in bed, and it's only when I'm sitting up that I realize the soft pattering of rain hitting my window. Even more so of a reason for me not to go out; the rain would just ruin my clothes anyway. Besides...it's times like these when I want to be alone.

I hug my knees close to me and bury my face into them; I could feel the tears starting to form again on my face and without hesitation, a tear falls from one of my eyes. I hated being weak, hated crying, hated being vulnerable...but I can't help it. I can't help the fact that I've become a prodigy; a lonely researcher; a girl who only wants to impress her father for all sakes-

_Bzzt bzzt._

Another text message alert ruins my train of thought; it sounds distant, yet so close. I want to grab it and read its message because I was well aware of who was texting me. But if I grab it, will it disappear? Will the messages erase and everything become a dream? Will he be nothing but the figment of my imagination? I can't have any more high expectations for the fear of the disappointment that would come once again; but this phone, my phone, has become the reality of how my life has now become. It's become the gateway out of the harsh one I've always lived and accepted.

So why can't I look at the message? Shamefulness? Tsk. As if my pride was that low; I'm becoming more irrational by the minute. I just hate it. I hate this human emotion known as vulnerability.

_*ring ring*_

I jolted as my phone started to ring and vibrate, signaling a call. I thought about ignoring it and letting it go to voicemail, but the sudden realization that the caller would probably keep calling for another fifty times unnerved me. I lift my head up from my pity bubble, and without looking at the caller ID, I flip my phone open.

"What?"

A snort was heard from the other line. "Is that how you talk to your superior? And what do you mean by, 'what'? All of us lab members have been waiting for your presence so we can commence the operation!"

I sigh into the phone, not at all in the mood for his antics. In the background, I heard a faint voice say, "He means he wants to start eating!", followed by a "Daru-kun, I thought it was supposed to be a surprise!"

He suddenly starts making choking noises on the phone, and begins yelling incoherent words at the other two. I just shake my head, waiting for his response. I hear shifting and movement and suddenly, the background noise had died down; with my guess, he was outside his apartment door.

"A-anyway, you heard none of that! Now, it's time for you to do some explaining; it's already 13:30!"

Explaining, huh? Where do I begin? Usually I'm able to cover up with some stupid remark, but for some reason, none of the words could come out of my throat. Hearing his voice somehow froze me up, as if I were suddenly embarrassed to talk to him. I felt like I was caught and exposed; the 'me' I usually am had its walls crumbled down, and hearing his voice made me even more weak. I can't tell him these things; I can't expose myself or allow myself to be anymore vulnerable-

"...Kurisu?"

The sound of his voice calling my name alerted me so much that somehow, a tear fell down my face. I choked it back, and shakily responded to him.

"I-I'm on my way. I'll be there in fifteen minutes so-"

I started to feel my voice tremble and decided to stop before he noticed; but damn, I forgot how unusually keen he was, because it was too late for me to go unnoticed.

"Are you sure you're okay? I can come pick you up-"

"No!"

I covered my mouth almost immediately, realizing that I spoke a little too loud than necessary. Shaking my head, I composed myself again before speaking.

"I mean, no, that's not necessary. I'm coming, and that's that."

"But-"

I shut my phone before he could say anything else. Call it rude, but he's hurting my pride more than I care for it to be wounded.

I looked outside towards the pouring rain. I didn't have an umbrella, so I'd have to make due with my brown jacket, and, great, with my white shirt as well. I'll just have to pull in my brown jacket over me so that no one would notice it soaking on to my skin. Sighing, I pulled off my covers and began slipping on my clothes. As soon as I was dressed, it never occurred to me how I was going to carry my phone without it getting soaked. Shrugging, I sadly came to the conclusion that no one would bother to call me on the device and decided to leave it in my hotel room so it wouldn't get ruined.

Walking to the door, I grabbed my boots and decided to zip them up all the way instead of leaving it at the usual folded-over style. It was raining, and maybe the least I could do is at least keep my feet dry before going into his apartment.

I finally exited my hotel room and locked it up, heading to the lobby as my destination. Interestingly enough, I found myself already exhausted by the time I reached the lobby; being this stupidly, mentally, exhausted was so absurd to me, but I couldn't shake it off no matter how much I tried.

As soon as I walked through the exiting sliding doors of my hotel, I was greeted with a mist of rain, accompanied with the rhythmic sound of the drops hitting the various skyscraper buildings. I knew that walking in the rain without an umbrella is the most stupid thing a person could do, especially myself. People would probably see me as a dumb teenager with no common sense; I could just use the term 'poor college student' even though I graduated years ago.

I walked out the doors and proceeded to walk in the rain with my brown jacket closely huddled around me. All around me, people were either under umbrellas or huddling with one another under one umbrella, trying desperately to get away from the water. As I started to walk to the crosswalk, it was just my luck that I came to it right when it told pedestrians to stop. I sighed at my predictable bad luck, and huddled my brown jacket even closer as I waited until it was time to walk again. Everyone around me were in umbrellas; I stuck out like a sore thumb, soaked from head to toe. It also didn't help that my hair was a burgundy-auburn hair color, which was considerably bright against the gray dullness of the rain.

After crossing the street, I proceeded to dodge the people around me who were walking on the same sidewalk as I was. Being alone without an umbrella seemed to somehow give a sight of who had better class; since I didn't have one, I seemed to be the one who had to move out of the way others who had an umbrella.

...What am I thinking? Why am I suddenly analyzing the little things, like my bad luck, my hair standing out, and, for goodness sake's, even dividing people by some invisible class barrier by who has umbrellas and who doesn't? Why do I suddenly care about how I look, how I speak, and how my emotions are?

What am I even doing?

At this thought, I suddenly started to slow down, and eventually I stopped. People around me began to walk around me, not caring who I was; just some stupid girl without an umbrella. I was without protection from the oncoming rain. No one was here to walk with me, either; it was just me and my emotions. The emotions that suddenly started to feel exposed in this suddenly larger crowd than what I had remembered seeing five minutes ago. I felt bare, naked, and watched; it was as if my father was watching me, and I had nothing, absolutely nothing to protect me. All I had were brains; not the emotional stability of a mature adult.

The streets were so crowded, so I moved off to the side away from the street and into a small alley between two buildings. No one noticed my activity, and even if someone did, they probably wouldn't care. And even if they didn't care, I still felt the need to get away from the crowd because I felt like I was being watched.

My legs had no strength; somehow, I started to slide down to the ground with my back against the wall of one of the buildings. Sitting with my knees propped up and my back leaning on the wall, I started to stare straight ahead; but no thoughts came to my mind. My mind was drawing blanks, and suddenly, there was nothing to think about.

I was an empty shell.

I couldn't feel anymore, I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't even comprehend the situation I was in; there was no desire in me, and no drive. I don't even know if sitting here was something I wanted to do. I was just empty.

Who am I? What was I? There was no satisfaction, nothing; if anything, the only thing I actually did feel was emptiness, and the desire to start my life over.

Well. To either start it over, or to end it all together.

I just didn't know. Maybe I was bored with life; the emptiness was so strong that I willed myself to disappear because...it felt painful. Ah yes, there, one feeling. The feeling of pain. And rejection. There was nothing that made me want to restart my life from where I was.

I wanted to disappear, and that was that.

An abrupt sound interrupted my thoughts as I heard a pair of footsteps stopping at my side. The rain stopped hitting my head, and there was a slight overcast shadow over my body and over the person who had just stopped at my side. I don't even know how long I had been sitting and staring; all I could comprehend that there was a stranger next to me, and putting their classified umbrella over myself and them.

The stranger was panting - hard. From the sound of it, it was a man; a man with...a lab coat on? How stupid can you be, putting on a lab coat when it's raini-

...oh.

Looking up slowly, there he was. His arm was leaning against the wall, his head facing down at me, still panting just as hard as when he stopped at my side.

"...Okabe?"

His gold eyes looked at me right at the sound of his name, and though they were filled with worry, he began to stutter and yell.

"K-kurisu...," he suddenly shook his head, and began to say words that I suddenly felt were too fast for me to understand. "Where have you been? I've been texting and calling you, and you haven't picked up! I even stopped by your hotel, and you weren't there!"

He was yelling. Yelling. At me. While I've been trying to recuperate these unknown feelings, he's suddenly getting angry at me. Or worried. Whatever it was, I found it very annoying.

And just like that, I came back to the present.

Standing up (and almost hitting his head), I responded just as cold-heartedly. I wasn't about to let him see me like this-

...or did I, really?

"What do you mean, where have I been? I said I was going, and that's what I was doing! Sure I'm not on time, but I was on my way!"

He rolled his eyes. "You're in an alleyway. An ALLEYWAY, of all places! I'm sure you were on your way, because these 15 minutes you told me about has turned into 50 minutes!"

Fifty minutes? Was I really walking that slow?

Shaking my head, I put my hand against my forehead and sighed. "Why do you even care, anyway? It's not like you to be worried." He opened his mouth to say something, but I interjected just before he did. "And for your information, I left my phone in my room because I obviously don't own an umbrella, and I wouldn't want it to get RUINED; though, it probably wouldn't have mattered, anyway."

Yes, that's right; no one would have contacted me on my phone.

It was then his turn to remark something back at me. What a joyous merry-go-round conversation we always tend to have.

"Not worried? NOT worried? Do you have any idea how many times I ran up and down the streets to find you? And how I felt when you didn't answer your phone? You are my assistant. You know more than anyone that I'll personally come to get you when you want me to!"

I looked away, my back against him. "...but that's all I am. Your assistant. Is that really what I am to you?"

What? Why the hell is my mouth spouting such irrational words? Stop. Stop it now, Makise Kurisu, before your feelings diminish completely from disappointment.

It was quiet. Too quiet. The umbrella over my head was still pattering with rain and the cars that zoomed by on the streets still splattered water every so way; but between us, it's so quiet, that I could hear him breathing. His breaths finally calmed down to its regular process and I could almost hear him thinking. He inhaled before finally speaking.

"...You know more than anyone else that that's not true."

I jolted, because I know what he said was right. I just refused to accept it.

"Your phone. Don't ever think none us would call us. I could almost read your face; it says everything about why you really left it back in the room."

Right, again. I felt as if a million daggers were piercing my heart every time he got closer to the feelings I've always hid.

"You're...my dearest companion. No," he said, shaking his head, and slightly gulping before continuing, "No. You're...with me. An item. Or, in more present terms...my girlfriend."

A tear fell down my face. No, no, not now! Why now! It's not like I reject his sayings...I just couldn't find it in my esteem to accept it. To accept a love that I was never granted or privileged with in the first place, especially in my broken form now.

I started to shake my head. "No...why?" Turning around to face him, I started to speak, fast. All my emotions were suddenly coming out; I had no control over what I was saying, and though I tried to stop, nothing was stopping me.

"Why are you saying these things to me? To me? Okabe, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve any of this. Because you're somehow lying. You have to be. I'm a monster; a damn monster who doesn't deserve to be loved! I'm a prodigy with no feelings, no consideration, and no family; I experiment daily without feeling ashamed because that's all I want to do. Just to learn and to gain more power in knowledge, even though I have more than enough of it. I have too much pride, too much anger, and too many stupid...damn thoughts like these!"

I was crying now. I was just straight-up crying; he knew, I most definitely knew, and I couldn't stop it. I wanted to stop it, but it wasn't happening. A monster, that's who I was. I don't care about the world, I don't care about anyone else except me. Me and my twisted family problems and my prodigious life.

I tried to speak more, but I found it to be more of a sob, so I stopped trying. The tears were falling nonstop and I had to look off to the side of him to stop staring at his eyes. His eyes said everything, and it pained me more to see what his reaction was when I just said bluntly that I couldn't accept his offer to be his damn girlfriend. Even though 'us' has been unspoken for months, we already knew what we were, and he finally had the courage to say it; I was just a jerk and shot him down for saying it aloud.

He stepped forward towards me, and I made no move to budge. Quietly, he spoke.

"Kurisu...I didn't jump World Lines for the fun of it. I didn't watch Mayuri die repeatedly for some sick pleasure, and I didn't -" he inhaled sharply, "I didn't watch you die in a pool of your own blood for the hell of it. I..."

I looked at him, and suddenly, his eyes were downcast, filled with so much pain. Why did I never notice that before...?

"I'm not asking for your pity. I'm not asking for you to return the feelings. But even if you don't, I'll be here waiting for you. I made a promise to you that I'd love you no matter what World Line we were in, and I'll keep it for as long as I live."

"If you're a monster," he continued, "then be a monster. I'll love you anyway. If you're a prodigy, then I'll have you be my assistant at first, and then find a way to experiment on you, and love you even more. Because I'm a mad scientist, Kurisu, and mad scientists don't give up on their smart lab members or their experiments. They love what they can get their hands on for the sake of experimenting, no matter what form it is. And with you, I'll love you no matter who you are, or what you're feeling. Be it a horrible day, the best day of your life; whatever your emotions tell you. Experiments become more interesting as they grow and develop, and you're just as such; you change constantly, you surprise me every time, and you make me, a mad scientist, have emotions I never knew I would ever feel in my lifetime. Even if you're unloved by the world, I'll always love you because you're my experiment, and mine alone. And I'll never let my experiment go, because I'll continue to watch you every day."

"But as a mad scientist, I can't promise you everything will be easy. I'm not perfect; I'm mad. I don't know all the social cues, I don't know the little things that could make others happy. And just as such...I don't know what to do...right now. I don't want to be all talk, but honestly," he motioned at my cheek, "I don't know what to do with this. I...I'm new to this! Emotions like these are ones I have to experiment with you, and unless I can get a feedback, I won't ever know what to do, and...yeah."

He's blushing so much that it's starting to become the color of my hair. And so was I. I didn't know what to say to him. Okabe Rintarou, mad scientist Hououin Kyouma, both entities, just confessed a lifetime of words I never knew would be spoken to me. What do I do? What do I say? No matter what, I'm loved? How does that work?

...I don't understand.

In all reality, I know I wanted it. I wanted this. I wanted his words to be true. I wanted his actions, like running in the rain looking for me, to be true.

I wanted him.

And nothing's ever stopped me from getting my goal. As of right now, my goal is to impress my father - one day. But even that needs time; over time, experiments grow, just as he said. Maybe with time, I'll see him once more.

But as of right now, another situation calls at hand. Like another experiment in a lab boiling over and needing attention, this was something that needed it. Him and this situation. He was taking my attention, and it was something that needed to be done right away.

I honestly don't know how to feel. He's staring at me, my heart's beating fast, and the tears on my face were starting to dry.

But. I knew my emotions weren't done yet, unforunately. I was just feeling rejected an hour ago, and now I'm being told I'm loved...how do I feel? Stupid, sappy, blushing, irrational grammar and words like now...but most of all, relieved.

Just relieved. Not yet happy, not sad, but just...relieved.

I looked at him and opened my mouth to talk.

"I'll watch you. I'll give you results you can work off of, and I'll give you hints to help you. But along the way, I hope I could watch you too, to find a theory that represents not just me, but...us. Who we are. What we're doing. And what we're supposed to be...together."

I looked straight ahead and began to blush; I was eye-level to his chest. What I wanted right now was nothing drastic. Just something...

"...hold me. H-hold me until the emotions I have can be forgotten, and -"

Without another word, he let go of his umbrella and pulled me into his arms. The rain pattered down overhead us, but it didn't matter anymore. He was so warm, so protective; even with my vulnerabilities laid out before the cement and leaking out into the streets filled with water, he backed me up and protected what little I had in me. Even with all my imperfections, he protected the ugliness of me against the world, making sure I keep who I am no matter what came.

Even though I had no family, I had no one, he was there, experimenting on all my emotions, my unstableness, and the 'me' I thought I've become. I realized that as a scientist I've been making all the wrong deductions; he was right. Experiments need at least one person to deduce a final solution and theory, because without it, the experiment would be nothing, an empty shell; it would merely just float in limbo and be an unknown specimen. This is a result that no scientist would ever want.

But with one scientist watching and guiding the experiment, anything could happen.

* * *

Hope you enjoyed; thanks for reading and reviewing, if you do!


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